And now I have this blog! "Chris The Missionary" is a much more structured and much more focused blog than Cookies could have ever hoped to be, but at the same time, some of my most favorite things I've ever written are on there. So I've decided that whenever I want to post something here, but don't feel like writing anything, I'll just steal one of my posts from there.
This was written after working on a stressfully humid day, and I was reminded of it today when I was at work today and it was stressfully humid. I went and reread it and had a good chuckle, and decided to re-post it here. You're welcome!
Me: "Hey God, what's up? So I know I haven't really been in constant communication with you, and I'm sorry about that. I just get so busy, you know? It just sorta slips my mind..."
God: "You know I've heard that one before literally trillions of times, right? But you know what, it's all forgiven. What'd you need?"
Me: "What makes You think I need anything? I could just be trying to chat."
God: "I've known all things since before time and space existed, remember?"
Me: "Riiiiiiiiight...sorry. So, yeah, could You do something about that then?"
God: "About what?"
Me: "You know. You just said that You know!"
God: "Yeah, but I like to hear you say it. What kind of a relationship would we have if you never ask Me for anything and just expect Me to make everything magically wonderful all the time? I'm an spaceless, timeless, all powerful, all knowing, unembodied consciousness, not your maid."
Me: "Sorry, sorry. Well, it's just that it's really ridiculously hot and humid today, and I'm about to start a seven hour shift, and I see that there's some clouds up there, and I was wondering if You could make it rain until the evening so that I can stay cool."
God: "I'll see what I can do."
Me: "Thank you God! You truly are a loving and merciful Father."
A few minutes later, it began to rain. It was still fairly hot outside, but the water was cool and refreshing to the touch. I smiled and went back to work, foolishly thinking I wouldn't be needing to talk with God anymore that day.
HALF AN HOUR LATER
Me: "Hey God! What's Your problem? You stopped the rain, and now the sun is out from behind the clouds, and it's even hotter and more humid that before! It's so humid I'm going to have to take a shower to dry off! This is ridiculous!"
God: "What's My problem? Excuse Me if I don't intervene in the weather schedule just because one person is going to have a more uncomfortable day than usual. There's hundreds of thousands of other humans experiencing the exact same weather as you right now, and you're one of the whiniest one at the moment. Don't take it personally."
Me: "Don't take it personally? If You have the power to change something, and You don't, that means You caused it!"
God: "I'm not sure I follow your logic. Your sounding like an atheist, saying, 'If God exists, then he is responsible for all the pain and suffering in the world.' You know that there are starving children in Africa, right?"
Me: "Yeah, obviously. But..."
God: "Don't interrupt. You are capable of giving one of them all of the money you make at this job, right? Of course you are. There's lots of ways you could do that. You could save a dozen lives with the money you've made this month. But you don't, do you? Does that mean you're killing them?"
Me: "No. You're right. I'm sorry."
God: "All is forgiven. My plans are not your plans. My rain schedule may not be convenient or pleasing to you, but you're still my beloved child and things will work out."
I took that to heart, and let that be an uplifting thought to motivate me. The motivation lasted about an hour. Then I started complaining again.
Me: "God, come on! I know I have no right to ask You this, but could You pleeeeeeeeeeease lower the temperature just a tad? I'm dying out here!"
God: "Go hard or go home."
Me: "I'm serious! I thought You never gave anyone more than they can handle."
God: "Who told you that?"
Me: "People..."
God: "Well, people are wrong. I've been known to, on occasion, let people fall into situations that they cannot hope to get a handle on. But through it all I remain with them, and I guide them out. I place people in their lives that help them through it. It's all to bring Me glory."
Me: "You do sort of have a flair for the dramatic, don't You?"
God: "It's just who I Am. And besides, you can totally handle a bit of humidity."
Me: "I suppose. But again, and I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a broken record here-"
God: "It's fine. I've got all day."
Me: "-what if I couldn't? What if the weather was so unbearably hot that I just passed out, right in the parking lot, and nobody found me, and I died? Wouldn't that be Your fault? I mean, I begged You to cool it down out there, and you didn't. That's the moral equivalent of standing over a man dying of thirst with a full water bottle, having him beg You for water, and not giving him any."
God: "Okay, first off, you aren't going to die. Believe Me. I know things. Suck it up. Second, your analogy is flawed, because you have ready access to a drinking fountain. If you died out there in the parking lot it would be the moral equivalent of a Me standing over a man dying of thirst holding a full water bottle, but he is lying mere inches from a deep pool of clean, fresh water. I could give him water, but I don't have to. If he dies, it's his own stupid fault.
"See, people are always blaming Me for things that could have been avoided by them. Sure, I could have stopped them, but that doesn't mean I should have or needed to."
Me: "But if You're truly a benevolent and loving creator, wouldn't you hate to see us suffering and stop it? Why not just stop evil all together?"
God: "I intend to, but not yet. I know when that will happen, but not even Jesus himself knows. It's My little secret. If there is nothing wrong in the world, why would people need Me? They wouldn't need saving, and I love getting to save people. It's kind of a personal hobby of Mine."
Me: "So basically You allow suffering to exist because you like saving people? So your like a super villain, who causes destruction just so he can swoop in and save people and feel like a hero? That's messed up."
God: "That's insulting. Remember who you're talking to here. Remember, there's also the issue of free will. I gave Adam and Eve free will, just like everyone else, and the consequences of that are not to be altered. Am I happy about all the suffering and pain and death and destruction? No, of course not. I'm making the best of a bad situation here."
Me: "Okay, I get that. But obviously there's stuff that you could make better without, you know, choosing how someone's life works out."
God: "Now how do you know that? Do you have an eternal and transcendent view of all of history, from the great events to the hum-drum of each individual life? Can you instinctively comprehend how every single action made, both by man and by nature, throughout the history of the universe, effects every other person and object in the time-space continuum?"
Me: "Well..."
God: "I thought not. Now go push carts. You don't have the brainpower to dedicate to both doing physical activity and having theological debates with the Most High. You're far too exhausted for that!"
Me: "Which I still think is Your fault."
God: "You can think whatever you like, that doesn't make it true. Oh, and by the way, this would make for a decent blog post. You're always complaining about how you never feel inspired to write anything. I just placed a solid gold post concept straight into your cranium. I'll be wanting a royalty off of all the revenue it's sure to pull in. How does ten percent sound?"
Me: "Yeah, I love You too. There's no need to be sarcastic with me."
God: "Go push carts."
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